My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
