Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
