I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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