So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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