I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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