there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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