maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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