Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
