My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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