I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
