I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
