we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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