This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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