I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
