I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
