im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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