You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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