I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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