no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
