its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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