Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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