his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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