my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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