what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
