I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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