Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
