A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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