I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
