you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
