Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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