I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
