you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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