oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
