just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
