Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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