How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
