i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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