I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Let's paint friendship bongs
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
