that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
