is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
