i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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