We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Let's get the cat blown out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
