I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
