She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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