so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
