I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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