My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
