I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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