she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
