I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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