Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
